So I've never made it a secret that I'm not exactly "mother-of-the-year" material. These last 14 months have been some of the most exhausting, defeating, stressful months of my entire life. Throw a healthy dose of postpartum depression on top of normal new mother worry, fear, and self-doubt...and you've got a mama who doesn't feel like she's done that great of a job...hell...you've got a mama who has wondered how long it will take Child Protective Services to find out about the crappy job she's been doing.
Luckily...the fog has been lifting in recent months...and I'm finally starting to connect to this little person...something I had been ashamed to admit...that I was having trouble feeling anything for my own child...that I felt more like a long term babysitter than a mother.
But slowly...Amelia and I have started to find common ground. Maybe it was because of all the time that she had to deal with some weepy lady who spent more time looking at her fearfully from across the room...or maybe it's because the child is so damn like me...but Amelia has never been a cuddly baby. From the very beginning...she would only tolerate a few minutes of of being held before starting to wiggle free. And the bigger she's gotten...the more insistent the wiggling. Even when she's hurt...she doesn't have time or patience for kisses...she's right back at it...trying again...doing it alone.
Last night was the first night without a night bottle...we've finally been doing good all day with her sippy cup...and it seemed like the time was finally right to say goodbye to it.
She and I went through our normal routine...bathtime, jammies, brushing our hair, bedtime story. But then we went downstairs for a few final minutes of playtime and goodnights and what was now to be a bedtime snack rather than a bedtime bottle. I handed her that cup and immediately she gave a shriek of indignation as if to say, "What is this crap woman!?" And then the angry tears started.
And with far more patience than I thought I had at the end of the day, I explained that there was no more nighttime bottle, we just had our cup...I told her that growing up is hard...but that I loved her and that we would do this together. And she looked right at me...tears now silent...still a look of complete anguish on her face at the thought of having to say goodbye...and I knew that she understood.
Without another sound...she climbed into my lap...and for the first time in 14 months...she let me hold her for longer than a minute.
Here was this little girl who is normally so independent...finally making me feel like a mother.
Joel came back from his nightly run thirty minutes later to find Amelia snuggled in my arms...both of us silently weeping...her over her beloved bottle...me over finally getting to experience what most women experience in the delivery room...an insane amount of love and hope for a tiny soul.
Happy Mother's Day.
Oh that is SO awesome. What a great Mother's Day for you!!
Posted by: Fine For Now | Monday, May 12, 2008 at 08:59 AM
Awww - punkin moment
Posted by: Vhe | Monday, May 19, 2008 at 09:53 AM