piecrust promises

Modern Technology and All...

You'd think with the advances in modern technology and all that there would be a better way to buy toilet paper...because nothing says, "I shit a lot" better than that giant SUV sized pack of ninety-six rolls of toilet paper.

I mean, seriously, I have to get an extra cart just to be able to lug my newly acquired floatation device up to the register...and then you have to guess at where the conveyor belt is because it's not like you can see around that tidy package...knocking small children off their feet and capsizing the display of high fructose covered processed peanuts on the way.

Whew...I needed that.

I laughed until I cried at my desk today because of this.

Post that will only make sense to 2...possibly 3...people.

RACHEL!

It's June 12th!

AAAAAAHHHHH.

That is all.

Best Weight Loss Solution Ever!

I've found the secret to easy weight loss...just follow these 7 simple steps:

1. Have baby.
2. Send said baby to daycare.
3. Wait for baby to accumulate all sorts of nasty viruses, bugs, and other assorted germs. 
4. Bring baby home.
5. Give baby tons of smushy kisses and let her feed you Goldfish crackers.
6. Contract ridiculously awful stomach virus that makes you pray to the porcelain gods so many times that you start to wonder if the bulimics have some sort of annual award for most vomit in 24 hours.
7. Lose 8 pounds (EIGHT! POUNDS!) in twelve hours. 

As an interesting side note...when we first moved to Florida I decided that I wanted to get the real behind the scenes at Disney...and since we weren't doing anything else...I got a job at Disney and worked there for a total of four days before deciding that Disney Cast Members are simply poor souls bound for sainthood and I quit.  But not before getting to do 2 days of Disney's "Traditions" training where they tell you all of the secrets and you get your engraved name tag and get to eat lunch at the Subway that's in the underground tunnel at Magic Kingdom and you learn all of the Disney lingo...including the phrase "Protein Spill" which is code for someone just tossed their cookies.  (I suggested they use some variation of "tossing cookies" and I got all sorts of dirty looks.)

So after a hellacious 24 hours...I'm sort of back in the game...except for the fact that I haven't eaten any actual food in two days and I look like some sort of Living Dead reject.

For a more complete weight loss plan you can send 4 3 easy payments of $19.99 to me...and I'll send over my child for a few hours...guaranteed to make you miss at least two days of work!

Most insightful thing I said all weekend...

"Whoever invented marriage was an idiot."

This just popped in...

So I'm driving home from work and daycare...and it's one of those rare drives home when everything is nice and quiet (as opposed to the general shrieking that is usually coming from the devil precious angel in the backseat...punctuated by flying sippy cups and eerily realistic doll babies.) (I mean seriously...couldn't they make those things a little more cartoony?  I'm afraid someone is going to spot one in my backseat in some parking lot at the damn Target and call the cops because they think I've got a premie locked up in my Florida Easy Bake Oven (AKA "the car" for you Northerners...and for everyone else too...because I totally just thought of Florida Easy Bake Oven as a clever name for a car down here.  Get it?  Because it gets so hot?  Yeah...I'm good at this stuff)...and then the cops are going to come and break one of my windows and BIG GIANT MESS and TV NEWS CHANNEL and LIVE ON THE SCENE and who do you think will have to replace the damn window and get embarrassed to all hell when I hear them announce that there is a VW Rabbit with a fake melted baby in the backseat?  Yeah...me.)

(And that last set of parenthesis is a fairly accurate portrayal of the slippery slope known as my thought process.)

So anyways...driving + quiet + overly active brain having time to come up with little bits of delight instead of ideas on what to throw at soothe the baby with = wonderful pop in thoughts from no where.

If I could sing...and I definitely can't...who would I sound like?  Not who I would like to sound like...but who would I actually sound like.

And let me tell you...I've got an hour long drive home...so I had a lot of time to think about this.  And after weighing out all of my options...I came to this conclusion:

If I could sing, I think I'd sound like Bif Naked.  And damnit...I don't think that's such a bad thing...granted...no one has any clue who the hell Bif Naked is anymore...I'm still OK with that.

BUT THEN...I got home and had to listen to messages on my voicemail...and the baby got a hold of the phone and pushed the "completely fuck up phone" button...and I ended up having to hear my outgoing message.

SERIOUSLY?  I sound like a freaking preschool teacher!  A SOUTHERN preschool teacher!  

Ugh.

There goes my Bif Naked dreams.

So who would you sound like if you could sing?