Hey! Jealousy!

So I think I've come up with my craziest idea ever...I'm thinking about trying to work at home with the baby twice a week.

Yeah.  Do actual work.  At home.  With an almost 2 year old who *might* be the Antichrist.

Now, I'm a firm believer that every mother "works" who stays home...but this is a bit different.  This is dealing with graphics! and websites! and maps! and things that people can only explain to me by using big! arm! movements! and things that need to get done now.

Then I started thinking about how great it would be to not have to wear pants all day and how I could very easily be 600 pounds and have my skin permanently graft to the couch from lack of movement with this setup.

And then I started thinking about money.  And I don't know about you...but I don't have any. But I could have some more if I didn't have to drive an hour each way to work...and I'd have some more if we could cut our daycare costs.

So out of curiosity I ran the numbers and figured that I could possibly save $300ish a month. Nothing to sneeze at there.  And if that means that I get to cut out 4 hours of sitting in traffic every week AND having to wear pants...plus I get to spend some more time with my own personal slave driver wonderful child, then I'm even more all for it.

 

But there is an even bigger reason for this whole crazy idea...jealousy with a side order of guilt and frustration. Recently, a dearly loved coworker (Hi Jane! Yes, I'm talking about you! Stop blushing...no one else who reads this knows who in the hell you are.) came back from maternity leave.  And while I was thrilled to bits to have my buddy back...I was surprised by a sudden surge of...something. And I couldn't quite get a hold of what this something was...I just knew that it was a dark and ugly something.  Something a shade of non-eco friendly green...jealousy. Jane is now working part-time.  Part-time...ahh...it just sounds magical. She also took a longer maternity leave than I did.  Mine was just 8 weeks. 8 short weeks...most of which I spent a sobbing mess dealing with a lovely case of postpartum.  And then after the money had really run out, I went back to work full time.  There didn't seem to be any other option...it STILL doesn't seem like there are any other options.  It feels like I squandered away those precious first weeks.

 

And then the guilt that has always been there bubbled up to the surface.  Perfect strangers have taken care of my child, day after day since she was 8 weeks old.  They spend more time with her than I do...everyday they have a full 8 hours of Amelia sunshine...and I get the leftover 4 hours of an overly tired, cranky, hungry, and generally grumpy toddler who just wants to go back to that place with all the songs and toys and craft supplies and cheery grandma types who call her "sugar"...and who can blame her?  Those 4 hours at home aren't even spent focusing on her...there is dinner to make, dogs to walk, a house to clean, a husband to tend to, a zombie mama who just wants to watch Top Chef...how do people do this?  I suck at this.    

 

At 2 years old...I'm already excluded from my daughter's life.  I have no idea what she does all day...this is something I was expecting to happen when she turned 13...not 2.  Yes, I know the daycare schedule by heart...I look at the clock on my computer at work and think, 9:15AM...I wonder what Amelia is making out of construction paper today, 11:45AM...Amelia must be sitting down to eat lunch now, 12:30PM...I hope someone remembered to give her the green blanket with polka dots for nap time, 2:30PM...I wonder what she's having for snack?  And on and on and on.  I know the mechanics...I just don't know the specifics.  Did she do something funny?  Did she learn something new? Did she get hurt?  Did she choose a new life ambition?  Did she learn how to drive? Is she dating? Did she smear paste all over herself and do some interpretive dance?

 

I have to do better than this.  I feel like I've already missed out on so much...insert whole "life's short" cliche here.

But here's the catch...can I actually do this?  There are several problems with the work at home scenario...the largest being how to actually get work done while interacting with a toddler...this isn't a good situation if the TV ends up babysitting all day.

 

Then there is the whole the-economy-sucks-and-I'm-lucky-to-still-have-a-job-at-all-and-if-I-start-working-at-home-people-are-going-to-assume-that-I'm-sitting-around-eating-bonbons-and-watching-Maury situation. (Is Maury even on still?  I mean really, how many more people out there need to figure out which of the 37 thugs is the daddy?)

So I'm going to be doing a test run this week...before I go spouting off to someone about my whole new child friendly, earth friendly, wallet friendly, oh yeah and totally work friendly idea here.  What a concept...me TRYING something BEFORE spouting off about it.  Ha!  

Wait a minute...this blog post doesn't count as spouting off first right?

Riiiiggght.